My boyfriend won't have sex with me while I'm on my period...
🏰 STORY
Period sex—that hush-hush conversation that still makes some of us squirm (not including me 😋 hence my personal tips on how to enjoy it below), yet when you consider menstruation more broadly, it's really a topic both important and unavoidable to contemplate.
The fact is periods and sex still linger as taboo subjects in our culture. Together, they are the perfect recipe for a controversial cocktail, likely shrouded in social conditioning and patriarchal perspectives.
I am fortunate enough to have been in relationships with pretty open and progressive partners in my time (okay, maybe minus one), but overall I haven't directly experienced much disgust or distaste towards period sex. That being said, I have always secretly—or maybe not so secretly—judged my male partners based on their opinions about it. While, of course, I believe that people are entitled to their own views, feelings, and boundaries around physical intimacy, I guess I've always felt that if a man's approach to menstruation is not as pragmatic as mine, then he probably isn't the right mate for me. It's always given me a little window into the type of guy they are. Maybe this is a cultural thing; being a European in the USA, I've definitely noticed differences levels of openess around that kind of stuff. Something that’s also the case when it comes to the pro-pubic hair debate I often find myself having with friends; anyway, more on that for another newsletter.
So let's break this down. Sex, after all, is natural; it's ingrained in us, is essential for humanity's survival, and, very importantly, it gives us pleasure. Menstruation is also a crucial fact of life and truly is our 5th vital sign. If the desire is there to combine the two, then why the hell shouldn't we be doing it? I can think of more reasons than not: orgasms release endorphins and oxytocin—feel-good chemicals that support your mood, well-being, and healthy stress response.
Dopamine and serotonin are also released, which act as natural painkillers, potentially relieving anything from cramps and back pain to headaches and joint aches.
For some, period sex can be an opportunity for expressing real intimacy and trust with a partner, but it doesn't always need to run that deep. You could see it as an opportunity to connect with your cycle and body in a totally unique way or as something that might spark excitement or newness as you enter uncharted territories. Or maybe you're already unphased and see it no differently than having sex on any other day of your cycle, aside from some extra damage control—I mean, c'mon, isn't that what dark towels are designed for?
I appreciate this might not be for everyone, but I believe that sex is all about exploration and trying new things, and that’s how we keep things feeling fresh and rewarding for both parties. Personally, on day 3 of my period, when the endo belly bloat and discomfort finally start to subside, my sex drive skyrockets. This is also a rare moment for me when I don't feel any endo-related discomfort during sex, and my flow isn't as heavy.
With all of these positive aspects to delve into, along with the fact that both sex and menstruation have been a thing for, oh, only like 300,000 years, why do we think it's something so under-pursued or rather under-discussed?
While physical discomfort alone is often a deterrent, shame and embarrassment are common significant factors.
What's important to consider here is that, although we are all entitled to our own preferences and levels of comfort without the need for an explanation, how natural are these ideas? Or, more so, how twisted has our attitude towards periods, particularly period blood, become due to generations of society positioning it as something dirty, gross, unsanitary, and disgusting? As something we should go above and beyond to hide any sign of and never (god forbid!) share. Inheriting this kind of conditioning is, for sure, a lot easier than unlearning it, but opening a conversation around it, whether that's with your partner, your friends, or the internet, is a beginning to reapproaching your relationship and breaking down any stigma you might feel around menstruation and sex.
I've had a few friends ask me for advice when it comes to approaching sex on their period. Whilst I'll leave the medical input to Looni's adviser, Dr. Colantonio, below, if you are interested in trying it out, here are some of my personal tips:
Talk with your partner; communication is key! Get a feel for how they feel about it when you mention that you're 'in the mood,' but you're currently on your period.
Consider your flow, especially if you think you'd feel more comfortable with less of a mess.
Use protection; you can still catch STDs and get pregnant on your period.
Be playful and have fun with it. Try to approach the conversation or act itself with confidence. If you feel good, your partner should feed off of that.
Lay down a dark towel or explore having sex in the shower.
Check in with your partner afterward and see how it was for them, and make sure to be open about how you found the experience.
I'd love so much to talk more and hear your thoughts on this. Looni's home on Geneva has a room dedicated to period sex and taboos, along with everything else menstruation.
🎵 SOUNDS
🩺 SCIENCE AND SPIRIT 👁️
🧑⚕️ from Looni’s medical adviser, Dr. Stephanie Colantonio
Shame and stigma shadow the topic of menstruation alone. Unsurprisingly it is no different with period sex. So let's talk about it!
There are only a few medical reasons to hold off on period sex. For example, if you are still bleeding after a recent abortion or miscarriage, best to wait until bleeding has ceased. If you are being treated for an STD, hold off until treatment is complete. Why? Folks may be more susceptible to infections during their bleed due to cyclical shifts in the immune system as well as vaginal microflora changes12. Using a barrier protection like condoms minimizes the risk.
If you are trying to prevent pregnancy, most folks are safe to have sex during the first 3 days of their bleed. That being said, some people may ovulate while they are still bleeding, especially if they have a cycle less than 25 days long. This is important to keep in mind if you aren't using contraception.
One of the primary reasons for not having period sex is that you simply don't feel like it! One explanation (not that you need to explain) is that all of your reproductive hormones are low during the menstrual phase of your cycle, which is associated with lower libido or sex drive3. You may not be in the mood if you're in a lot of pain or feeling like you need alone time as well.
So why might it actually be good for you to have sex during your bleed? Orgasm results in the release of endorphins and feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin4. Nitric oxide is also released, which relaxes smooth muscle for cramp relief5. Increased blood circulation may decrease pelvic congestion and support less painful uterine contractions6. It is also thought that activation of the brain centers associated with pleasure has an analgesic or pain-relieving effect7. Makes a lot of sense.
When I say sex here, this includes with a partner and self-pleasure. Your period can be a beautiful time to connect to yourself and explore masturbation alone.
It is no shock that little research exists that focuses on period sex. If you're feeling up to it, in most cases, it is perfectly safe to do your own personal investigations.
🪄 SOOTHE 🔮
Ideas to consider if you're curious about period sex:
Communication! Talk to your partner about it. Express your desires and concerns. Ask how they feel about it. Decide together if it feels right.
Worried about staining the sheets? Lay down a towel or old blanket you don't mind getting some blood on.
Have some lube handy. Although blood is a liquid, you may notice that it is quite drying. Playing with a lubricant can make a big difference in comfort.
Explore different positions. Some may feel better than others during your bleed.
📚 SOURCES
Lurie S. Does intercourse during menses increase the risk for sexually transmitted disease? Arch Gynecol Obstet. 2010 Dec;282(6):627-30. doi: 10.1007/s00404-010-1564-4. Epub 2010 Jun 25. PMID: 20577749.
Tanfer K, Aral SO. Sexual intercourse during menstruation and self-reported sexually transmitted disease history among women. Sex Transm Dis. 1996 Sep-Oct;23(5):395-401. doi: 10.1097/00007435-199609000-00009. PMID: 8885071.
Bullivant SB, Sellergren SA, Stern K, Spencer NA, Jacob S, Mennella JA, McClintock MK. Women's sexual experience during the menstrual cycle: identification of the sexual phase by noninvasive measurement of luteinizing hormone. J Sex Res. 2004 Feb;41(1):82-93. doi: 10.1080/00224490409552216. PMID: 15216427.
Argiolas A, Melis MR. The neurophysiology of the sexual cycle. J Endocrinol Invest. 2003;26(3 Suppl):20-2. PMID: 12834016.
Cury Y, Picolo G, Gutierrez VP, Ferreira SH. Pain and analgesia: The dual effect of nitric oxide in the nociceptive system. Nitric Oxide. 2011 Oct 30;25(3):243-54. doi: 10.1016/j.niox.2011.06.004. Epub 2011 Jun 24. PMID: 21723953.
Hatcher RA. Counseling couples about coitus during menstrual flow. Contracept Technol Update. 1981 Dec;2(12):167. PMID: 12338424.
Whipple B, Komisaruk BR. Elevation of pain threshold by vaginal stimulation in women. Pain. 1985 Apr;21(4):357-367. doi: 10.1016/0304-3959(85)90164-2. PMID: 4000685.