How Are You Meant To Feel After An Abortion?

Hey, it’s Chelsea–I’m the co-founder of Looni.

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🏰 STORY

I was in LA for a DJ gig when I first started noticing that my PMS symptoms were dragging out for much longer than usual: breasts so tender that they felt as though they’d been inflated by a bicycle pump, ravenous beyond words, and particularly bloated. I kept thinking my period was arriving any minute. After a week of eagerly waiting, I checked my calendar (before the days of cycle syncing apps) and calculated that my period was late.

My friend Mary kindly offered to walk me down to the local store to buy some chocolate–and a couple of pregnancy tests. I’m sure I’m not alone in having taken a number of nervy pregnancy tests throughout my life that have given negative results . . . So, as I apprehensively squatted down to pee on the stick, with Mary waiting on the other side of the door, I couldn't quite believe it when through squinted eyes I saw the word PREGNANT pop up on the screen. I just remember thinking, ‘it must be wrong!’

There is this strange moment when you’re experiencing shock, where you almost begin to float out of body–it’s as though your roots have been abruptly yanked out from the ground beneath you.

My mind frantically tried to make sense of what was happening, grasping at different thoughts as they passed through my mind, rewinding to the past and fast forwarding to the future. I was afraid and anxious about what this meant: how would my boyfriend react? Would I tell my mum and would she be disappointed in me? Was I an irresponsible mess for letting this happen? They say people with endometriosis can have trouble with infertility, so i was also struggling with feelings of guilt and confusion as i asked myself, ‘is this my only shot?’

The one thought I had with clarity–seemingly grounding me amidst the chaos–was that the prospect of keeping it wasn’t an option.

I was in a relationship and very much in love, but an intuitive and deep knowing came to the surface at this time–this relationship and this person wasn’t right for me–and despite wanting children one day, we were not mentally, financially or logistically ready for a baby.

It’s not easy being a woman and having to make these bigger picture decisions which can often feel governed by a ticking clock.

Five days later I was back home boldly walking in to a clinic in New York City to have a D&C (dilation and curettage) abortion procedure to remove tissue from my uterus. While the termination decision had come ‘easily’ to me, the aftermath was multi-layered, complex and grueling. I had very little support from my boyfriend at the time, (further clarifying that he was not the right person for me to raise a child with). I had been clinical in my decision to terminate because maybe that was the only way I knew how to be–abortions are shrouded in shame after all–but this probably exacerbated how deeply challenging I found my emotions following the abortion. Yes my hormones were undoubtedly running riot, but I remember thinking that this deep sadness I felt afterwards, was like a sort of, spiritual exchange or price I had to pay for the choice I’d made . . . I had given up something profound in that moment and this choice would ultimately reshape the course of my life. To have autonomy over my own body ended up being a gift–it was an opportunity to recalibrate and almost start afresh–it was another chance.

Seven years on I am now eager to start my own family and have struggled with two very painful pregnancy losses over the past 12 months, but even so, not a day goes by where I don’t feel that I made the right choice all those years ago. I am deeply relieved that I terminated that pregnancy, and immensely grateful that I live in a state where abortions are legal.

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🩺 SCIENCE AND SPIRIT 👁️

🧑‍⚕️ from Looni’s medical adviser, Dr Stephanie Colantonio

At age 16 I also had a surgical abortion - and still don't regret it. Filled with fear and shame I told absolutely no one until the end of college when friends started confiding in me about their own terminated pregnancies. If someone had told me that nearly 1 in 4 women¹ will have an abortion in their lifetime, I would have felt less alone.

Various emotions arise after seeing a positive pregnancy test that you didn't expect. Fear, sadness, overwhelm, grief.

In the moment you decide you do not want to carry the pregnancy, it is important to recognize that you are safe and you have options.

In the first trimester, most people can choose between the medical or surgical abortion.

• A medical abortion consists of first taking a pill called mifepristone, which blocks the hormone progesterone. A second medication called misoprostol is taken 24-48 hours later. This prostaglandin contracts the uterus to release the pregnancy. Folks who choose this option often appreciate the privacy and comfort of staying in their own home.

• A surgical abortion in the first trimester is called suction aspiration. A thin tube inserted into the uterus gently suctions the pregnancy tissue in about 1 minute. The entire procedure typically lasts 15 minutes. Folks might opt for suction aspiration because it is a short procedure and usually causes less heavy bleeding. It is also 98-99%² effective compared to 95-99% for the medical abortion³.

Some people have more than one abortion in their life and their choice of pregnancy release might change - and that's okay too. Lots of resources exist to support you through this process [see below].

🔬 Research

Research has found that relief is the most common emotion felt after an abortion.⁠

Nearly all those included in the study—including those who had difficulty making the choice to end their pregnancy—said termination was the right decision at all time points up to the end of the study, 5 years later.⁠

The report, published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, debunks the assumption that [most] women regret terminating their pregnancies—a notion that’s been used by anti-choice activists to lobby for mandatory waiting periods and abortion counseling in many states. ⁠

This was a five-year study which surveyed 667 women across 21 states⁠. Here is a link to the study; PMID: 31941577.

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🪄 SOOTHE 🔮

🌱 Gentle time in nature can serve as a helpful support when healing from an abortion. It’s important to rest the body for as many days as necessary before exploring movement but walking, gentle hiking, gardening, sitting, wildcrafting plant medicine, picnic-ing, etc are beautiful ways to take you outside.

✍️ Dr Stephanie Colantonio suggests these journal prompts can be used for whatever is going on in your life right now, but may be especially helpful if you are journeying through a pregnancy loss. Perhaps play some music, prepare a warm tea, and write slowly.

• How can you best mother yourself in this moment? What does your body, heart, and mind need in order to feel completely safe and nourished? Write a list.

• By making this decision, what are you possibly transforming in your life? By saying No (to this pregnancy, work situation, relationship, etc), what are you opening up to for a Yes?

📚 Abortion Resources:
Abortion Clinics Online
National Abortion Federation (NAF)
Exhale Pro-voice Hotline

Until next time,

Chelsea x
Co-founder of Looni
You can find me elsewhere here on instagram.

📚 SOURCES

1. Jones RK, Jerman J. Population Group Abortion Rates and Lifetime Incidence of Abortion: United States, 2008-2014. Am J Public Health. 2017 Dec;107(12):1904-1909. doi: 10.2105/AJPH.2017.304042. Epub 2017 Oct 19. PMID: 29048970; PMCID: PMC5678377.

2. Rørbye C, Nørgaard M, Nilas L. Medical versus surgical abortion efficacy, complications and leave of absence compared in a partly randomized study. Contraception. 2004 Nov;70(5):393-9. doi: 10.1016/j.contraception.2004.06.004. PMID: 15504379.

3. Gatter M, Cleland K, Nucatola DL. Efficacy and safety of medical abortion using mifepristone and buccal misoprostol through 63 days. Contraception. 2015 Apr;91(4):269-73. doi: 10.1016/j.contraception.2015.01.005. Epub 2015 Jan 13. PMID: 25592080; PMCID: PMC4373977.